bedtime

my auntie has bought matthew a plastic musical bear. it sits hooked over the edge of his bed, and you press the big button in the middle. a song plays, and all the other big buttons light up in order.

deb plays it to send him to sleep at night.

the music is quite loud. the lights flash fast - round and round as the music plays. round and round.

i think we may as well give him a little tab of ecstasy and he can have his own rave party all night.

[parental warning]
the above is a joke. please, do not try this at home with your baby.

It's a Friday night. Just had home-made pizza for dinner, and am sitting down with a cup of tea and some white chocolate buttons. I am actually feeling relaxed, for about the first time this week.

This week I've been waking in the morning with a burning in my stomach caused by thinking about the work day ahead. I've been lying awake at night worrying. I've been metaphorically, if not quite literally, sitting at my desk at work with my head between my hands, rocking back and forth, unable to do anything.

Home has been a relief/release, but even here I've felt like I've been distanced from me. I haven't played with Matthew enough; Deb has talked to me, but my mind has been elsewhere. She said to me last night, "Mike, you never do anything, you just leave things - it worries me". I didn't really reply. I just felt like crawling into bed and sleeping.

But, I feel better now. Some little things, some big things, they've all helped.

We made love this morning, about 5.30am.

We got Tess back from the vets last night. She'd been attacked by a dog on Tuesday night. She's got four or five separate wounds on her belly that needed to be stitched up. First she did when she got home was make for the food bowl.

I got out all the papers I needed to at work. We have our Annual General Meeting in two weeks, so it's been hectic preparing for that. I talked with John, who I work with, today, about how I've not been really coping, feeling like resigning and stuff. He was really good. Very supportive and offering another perspective on things. It helped.

And it's been a mellow evening. Playing with Matthew in the sun, bathing him. Cleaning cat and baby vomit up off the floor. Laughing with Deb over dinner. Kissing the back of her neck.

I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Thanks for reading this week. And thanks to those who e-mailed me. It's appreciated.