it's too damn late
i need to store these up
for moments like these

"Do you hate me?" she said.

And her eyes filled with tears.

Some of it, of course, is lackofsleep, toomuchtimewiththebaby, notenoughtimetogether, notenoughtimeapart. The general stuff you get with a new baby.

But a lot of it is me. And how I deal with criticism. Even when I know she's right, I try and turn it around. I try and make her justify everything, and pick apart little holes in what she says.

I'm very good with words.

I'll play the martyr. "Yes of course I'm in the wrong, so I'll give it up, no big deal", knowing she'll feel like shit, thinking she's made me do that. And me knowing that I don't really mean it. It's just a bargaining position staked out. Something to beat a tactical retreat from.

And sometimes the end result is a question like "Do you hate me?".

It's a result not worth the games played to get there.

Wellington lies between the Pacific Ocean and the Tasman Sea, at the bottom of the North Island, with the Cook Strait funnelling winds between the two Islands.

The northerlies are the worst. They gust and roar, never steady, sometimes blowing for days with a low misty cloud whipping around the hills.

We had a rangehood put in above our stove about 3 months ago. It has a vent through the wall, allowing air and cooking odours to escape. It has a trapdoor on the vent, so that the air can be blown out, but not get blown back in.

In a strong northerly the wind cuts under the trapdoor and it bangs shut again. Irregularly.

Bang ...................... Bang ...... Bang ...............Bang

It's a bang that'll wake a baby up when you've just spent 40 mins rocking him to sleep. It's a bang that may go all day, but you're never sure when the next one will happen.

If I had to listen to that all day, I'd expect some leeway for my actions and words.