images from today

coming home from work early, trying to take nap this afternoon with matthew in bed between deb and i. he lay there with a comb in each hand and combed his feet, shuffling and snorting and looking at us. we didn't sleep.

a pinkorange sunset

tess lying asleep on the green tablecloth

I tried writing last night, but I was just so tired the words didn't flow. They sat there, obstinate and obtruse. So I crawled off to bed, and slept, till 3am.

Matthew had woken up earlier, and I'd refused to get up and change and feed him as I was so tired. So Deb had done it.

She woke me by yelling at me, calling me selfish, lazy. Names ringing through my head. I lay there with a pit of burning acid in my stomach, curled away from her on my side, not wanting to say anything. Things eventually calmed, we reached some peace. I fell back asleep, she was awake a while longer.

When I got up this morning, there, on the computer screen, was a letter from her to me, written at 4am. The words are hers, ours now, and I won't share them, but they were an outpouring from her to me.

We've had fights on Sunday afternoon, Monday night at 4am, and last night.

The letter Deb wrote me feels like the lancing of a boil. It feels like an opening for us to sneak through. We've both got issues to deal with, but we both love each other immensely. That's what we need to hang on to.