recently on the turntable

patti smith
horses

things to do around the house

patch up the broken drain

fix the banging vent on the rangehood

check the leak on the roof

wax some doors and window frames

scrub the floors

The clutter is still there, but I am in the process of weighing, smelling and tasting. It's a careful process, I need to take care.

One thing. Soon, certainly within a week, I'm going to start cycling into work. I've found out there is a shower in the basement, and I just need to check I can access it okay.

Cycling will be a good start to my day, clear my head, invigorate me. It's a lovely route, around the bays into the city. Wind can be a problem, but this is Wellington, you live with that. There's a joy you can get with cycling that's unique. I think it's to do with creating motion so effortlessly.

Deb says I'm unhappy and sad. And last night, in bed, she said she could feel hate emanating off me. That last is certainly not true though, I think she mistook my sad tongue-tied silence for something worse. All through my life people have thought I've looked sad, asking what I'm thinking, expecting the worse from the look on my face. And usually I'm not. Sad that is. Usually I'm thinking a mundane thing.

But it is true I'm not entirely happy. Part is to do with too much clutter. Part is to do with falling away from the things, and people, and situations that bring me joy.

Ah Michael, cast into a limbo of your own making, upwards of a year adrift.

Sometimes I want to shake myself till I recognise anew what I have.

This journal is good for me. Cycling will be good for me. Deb is more than I deserve, all I need, and a constant light in my life. And Matthew. I'm smiling now, it is all good. I'll write soon on him.