recently on the turntable

bob dylan
time out of mind

patti smith
gone again

yo la tengo
painful

beat happening
jamboree

velvet underground
loaded

books bought today

garrison keillor
wobegon boy

todd grimson
stainless

Lying in bed this morning, while Debbie was feeding Matthew, I got really depressed thinking about my job. I think I'm really unhappy there. And whether that's causing me not to perform well, or whether my performance is causing my unhappiness, the end result is not good for me and not good for who I work for.

I'd always thought working in sport would be great. In a lot of ways it is, you're mostly working with people who are doing something they love, it's a relaxed environment, and there's satisfaction in providing opportunities for people.

It's also a bitchy place to work. Politics is rife, often, usually, descending down to the personal. You rarely get complimented, but do something someone doesn't like, and you hear about it immediately. And there's never enough money, especially in a minor sport, to do most of what you know should be done.

But I feel like I'm just marking time until someone spots me for the fraud I am. The new person with new ideas who talked well and dismally failed to deliver. It's a downward spiral. The less I do, the less I feel able to do. This morning I just wanted to curl up in a nice little ball and not have to face it again.

Deb and I talked about options. She wants to breast feed at least until the end of the year, but it may be an option after that that she goes back to work and I stay home with Matthew.

We need to think through a lot of stuff before making a decision like that - career plans, finances, what's best for Matthew - but I worry that if things keep going like they are I'm going to have a breakdown or something.

On a brighter note, tomorrow is semi-finals for basketball. Game at 12.45pm. I haven't thought too much about it, deliberately so. I'm feeling good though, confident and fit.

It means a lot to me to win this.

Wish me luck.