menu for the week

sunday
pizza

monday
stirfry beef and vegetables

tuesday
dinner at the parents, maybe a roast?

wednesday
weiner schnitzel, potatoes, spinach

thursday
spaghetti

friday
fish & chips

saturday
spaghetti

what night do ya wanna
come round for dinner?

One of the absolute and untarnished joys of my life right now is holding Matthew in my arms as he falls asleep. And then sitting there quietly, with him nestled in the crook of my arm, and listening to him sleep and feeling his warmth against my body.

There's a small pulse on the top of his head, just above the forehead. I guess the bones of the skull haven't fused together fully yet, so I can see the skin moving up and down in rhythm with the pulse - it's a fast rhythm.

He sighs a lot. He'll be breathing, then take in a big breath, let out a loud sigh, squirm to a new position, and his hand will flop down as he settles back asleep.

And I'll find myself calming right down. Wondering how he could be mine, and thinking nothing else matters as much as this.

Deb and I have fought a lot this weekend. Stupid fights, brought on by tired, stubbornness, and an inability to remove ourselves from the "nowness" of the situation.

A lot of it is caused by Matthew and the constant demands he makes on our time and attention. We can't blame him for this, and really, blame isn't at all appropriate, the situation just is. So we blame each other instead.

Deb thinks I'm still trying to live my life like I can control it, making her and Matthew fit into my schedule, my needs. I think she doesn't appreciate the stuff that I do do. We're both right, and neither of us is right.

Seeing Matthew sleep, or smile, dissolves right through these feelings.